Confessions of a blood relative

was going through old pics of cousins. I noticed how blood relations have changed over the years. I have always had a fondness and a special liking for those who gave me attention but I was careful not to grab too much of it.
I played roles I guess while growing up, sometimes I was the kinds of being surrounded by people and always being the glue to help them all stay together, sometimes I was the lone wolf who wanted to cry alone depressed over not getting enough love back as much as I poured out. If I was to be myself I was always a shy, quiet girl who liked a little bit of compliments, a little bit of fluttering of the eyelashes and the kind who wanted to  melt hearts with warmth by giving hugs or holding hands, pat on the back who liked being a secret-keeper, loyal and always gave a caring, elderly authoritative vibe.
To siblings I always wanted to be someone who they could look upto. I do have some of those behavioral attributes maintained. However, over time the elderly figure somehow was belittled to just another blood relative. I never wanted to be the one who was ‘that’ blood relative who didn’t care much, was formal most of the times and never ever bothered to share anything personal. But when I look back at all my blood relatives be it maternal or paternal, I feel disappointed. I wanted to be the one who made a difference, be the torchbearer. I wanted to be there in times of counsel(which I am the best at is what I think), in times of joy and sharing the wonders of everyday life. I hardly talk to any of them now, not because I don’t want to, just because of the distance, circumstances, egos between relatives, their disputes and children suffering from hereditary hate and many other contributing factors that somehow make me unsuccessful or still hesitant to point out the whys. I bet I am not the only one, it is a game of two, I do need a reaction to an action however, most of it I blame myself for being shut out.

Earlier, there were joint families which had its pros and cons. I used to think I love nuclear families, but as I have grown in maturity and understanding I know we can make it work if we try.
I loved the nuclear concept only because of convenience. The awkward laughs, the terrible moments of deafening silence, the embarrassing complaints of parents and the inevitable comparisons to other kids also often contributed to the growing distance. My life was a fairytale in dreams but in reality its like a daily soap, average and repetitive. I am sure there
are many others like me who have also found their tagline in ‘ignorance is bliss’ I still dream of a day when I will be able to set  things right and be called the ‘savior’ of relationships. Until then, keep existing.


A letter to remember


Dear Me in Future,

I write to you today considering what you have been going through lately. This is not a special day, I just chose it because I am in the moment, its now or never.
Honestly, there is much for you to learn in this world, but the thing you need the most right now is patience. Time may not heal all the wounds, but sure will hide them. All the times that you have been hurt will fade into memory and be assured better times lie ahead. Love has always been there, be it your dad, mom, sister and now spouse, it will continue to grow bigger and bigger and your insatiable thirst for love should too! The more you will ask the more you will receive. I see you settled well in life, who needs astrology when you have faith. Have faith in God and yourself. The sensitive soul that you are, you will not hurt anyone ever intentionally and unintentionally if you do make sure you ask for forgiveness, never let your ego console you that you did the better thing to ask for forgiveness because the greater thing is to forgive so be respectful of the outcomes. If you are not forgiven take it as as an experience and move on, don’t keep dwelling on the hows and whys. Let go of your inhibitions and fear when you meet new people. They will only help you if your hands are stretched to welcome them into your life. Also remember not everyone will always help or support you, some battles have to be fought alone. Be strong. Remember now, dad’s blessings are there to carry you through it all even if he is not there in person, he will always be there two steps behind! You have known his strength and a part of him is you so carry on that strength mentally, emotionally and physically. Never ask for pity, never look for it in someone’s eyes, and even if you get some that was unwanted, thank for it but don’t hold on to it, let it go immediately. Never offer it to anyone only offer support and only if you really mean it.
Build your own dreams, work towards them. Don’t doubt yourself. God is always watching, try and do good in this world, he will always reward you with beautiful surprises. Be grateful for your health. Try and eat healthy, squeeze in a little time for exercise. Stop being idle. Keep doing something, if you cannot find time to pursue anything, keep writing. Don’t give up like you did. If you don’t get a second chance, create one! Fall, get up, learn, that’s how you learned to ride a bicycle, remember, your knees were bruised and you are proud of the scars. Age is just a number, know that you will have scars, gray hair, wrinkles one day, experience is what you will gain. Do not preach when you cannot follow it yourself. I see your future is only amazing with wonderful travel adventures, glorious moments to revel in the success of your family members who will achieve great things in life, good camaraderie and long lasting friendships, beautiful kids and their promising lives ahead, a life spent with no regrets.

Lots of love and compassionate hugs,
From your present self.

A red dress!

This year all I wanted for Christmas was a red dress. Not because it is trendy or fashionable, because Santa wears red, or red might look good on me. I just wanted a simple red dress. It is such a simple need for a simple reason known to all, red signifies love. This Christmas all I wanted was to spread love, give it and get it.

Christmas eve was spent preparing for a Christmas party. We went for a midnight mass, it was not exceptional, but it was good. We called everyone and wished. Christmas day, we threw a little Christmas party at home, cooked a lot of Indian food. I wore a green kurta that day.

If only I had my red dress, I’d have so much love to pour out but I realized something in the process of finding a new red dress.  Receiving love is not so easy as it seems, giving is easier I feel. Receiving is difficult. Even otherwise, giving blessings, giving gifts, giving abuses, it is all easy, but receiving hope, receiving presents or receiving bad intentions, sad feelings is not always a possibility. So when it comes to receiving love, it never comes back as expected. Again, I stumble upon the same rock of expectations. I try to learn from the past, but all I repeat is mistakes not the learnings. For some people it is easier to show love, respect, empathy, but for some it is a responsibility, a formality or a forced reaction that does not come from the heart. Love has to be unconditional, they say, but in today’s world, I am not sure if that saying is true anymore. Love is unconditional*  (*terms and conditions apply)

I searched and searched, but did not find the red dress I wanted for Christmas. Merry Christmas!

Promises meant to be broken?


Often I look back on my relationships and keep realizing that most of the times I am at fault for ruining it all, not because I am a bad person but because I make a lot of assumptions.Honestly, in just one meeting,I feel I know you and I can trust you or will just ignore you, based on my assumptions! Now, that may not always be a wise thing, but then I may blame it on my instinct or your body language or just language. All this happens for a reason and the reason being expectations. I have learned this lesson so many times and yet I am not thorough with it! I struggle to keep up, I am slow to react, but I have noticed whenever my expectations are not met, I assume again that the person is not interested in me, my interests, so there goes a relationship. Thereby, either I end up breaking promises or the other person does it anyway. This other person is also me in some cases. I decide something and break my own promises, let alone others keeping them if I cannot keep them on my own! Fragile and unsustainable relationships because of my assumptions. It is a vicious cycle. I wish I do break it soon. Just thought of sharing one of my struggles in life.

Completely random word suggestions of my phone!

I wanted to write a blog post and I was in the middle of one when I noticed my phone was suggesting a few words and I thought let me see where this goes. It was so much fun just to click on words and some of the sentences made sense while others none at all! Go on read and have a laugh!

‘The new year to you and your business and leisure and the kids will have the right thing to remember that you have to do it for the first time in my mind is that you are looking for the first time in the world and the rest is just one more thing to be able to make sure that you have any further information about this topic. The dream of being able to do it for you to know about the future of this tag is called from Scotland and the kids are going well as other people who want the same thing as the most important part in a few years. I did not have the right place to be the best. I’m not a problem with their Government which I think the last few different form what you think you aren’t going to have the option of the times. He has a great deal of experience with this new version of the e-mail by a friend who was in my mind. This was the only way to the gym and the other side of things that you have any questions about this topic is a great deal with the new one. But my battery is dead and gone to bed at night and the most common type in your area of expertise in my life! I love it when it is not the same as above. uses a few weeks, but the fact is a very long time, no see. Well done and the new house with my friends have any other country music video by using your phone number.’


This word helps me a lot, not just while doing Yoga, it helps tremendously no doubt while I am at it, but in general too.

I am scared of thunder and lightning, we had a week of rain and midweek in the middle of the night, I can hear rumbling, it scares me! I think one of my worst fears is to get struck by lightning! God! Never ever let me die like that, a heartfelt request! But yeah, I get scared and with praying continuously, the one word that helps me is Breathe!

When I had my Written test for a driver’s license, by the way, yay, one more thing crossed off my list of my new year resolutions,  did not think I’d pass. I tried reading the book, but I never got through the second page….it was so boring, I got my friend to send me mock questions, I practiced them a lot, not advising to follow this people, but yeah I just sat there and failed the first four questions and said to myself, okay Breathe, prayed to God again for help and voila….passed with 88%

Even for the driver’s test, I could not find the horn! Can you beat that!? I didn’t even know where to look for it, I pressed on all buttons I could see, panicked that I am going to fail this, but then I stopped, apologized to the officer, stopped and had to breathe to start all over again! But I passed amazingly.

No wonder they ask pregnant women to breathe!

Not just that, but I think the most of our actions or reactions can be changed by such a simple step to breathe! We forget it most of the times and harm ourselves, all you have to do is breathe. Remember when you are doing the hardest of exercises, you tend to hold your breath and the instructor tells you to breathe through it. I don’t know what it is but sticky situations make me lose my focus and I panic easily and then I think way too much, overstressing my poor little brain! ha ha! There are few other key words too, but Breathe definitely helps most of the times. What is your key word that help you regain focus or get you out of tricky, sticky situations?

Tomorrow never comes!


So here I am it’s almost 10.30 I’m done with breakfast and I’m waiting to go running at 11 am in the morning when there’s not too much rush at the gym and I can be myself and go at my speed and there’s no judging there are no bulky muscles around and I’m thinking to myself, all right get off your bum wear your clothes, tie your shoes and get out. I am so motivated today. Let me just fix my hair, wash my face, pick out my clothes, get my socks, by then I look at the clock and it’s 10:45 and I’m thinking, in 15 minutes I’ll have to leave and go hit the gym and then suddenly I remember Uh-oh I forgot to call a friend or I forgot to check on the recipe for lunch or I forgot to write something in my diary or I just remember random stuff to do like making a to-do list, I need to iron my t-shirts or clean the bathroom or do other chores and then it’s 11 am. The dreaded 11 a.m. I’m not out of the door I’m not wearing those gym pants or the gym shoes and I’m thinking oh well, the time’s gone so let me decide now, do the gym at 4 and then I start watching TV, I cook lunch and then I catch up on my FRIENDS re-runs and by the time it’s over, I look at the clock and its 5:00. Oh no, I missed the time again. Alright maybe 6:30? But then all the office crowd just comes back from work. Are  you sure you want to hit the gym now when there could be a little bit of judging a little bit of flaunting, a wee bit of flexing muscles. Argh, I don’t want to go now, it’s too late . I carry on with other work and then it’s time for dinner again and I’m thinking laying on my bed it’s almost 12:30 am. I must go to the gym tomorrow I must run on the treadmill I must walk outside I need some sunshine for myself, I must go out. I end up sitting on my couch watching TV at 10:30 thinking I need to go hit the gym. Groundhog day anyone!?

Being Brown in Brazil

More than a year ago, I remember my husband handing me over few dollars each month to save towards the trip we had planned to Brazil for watching the World Cup. I never encouraged him since I thought he is just being crazy and this is just a phase and it will pass. Well his persistence paid off. My husband is a crazy soccer(football as we call it) fanatic. I was not too enthusiastic about the World Cup but somehow while planning the trip I was reminded of how being in Southampton we had missed the opportunity of going to Old Trafford to watch Manchester United play or take a guided tour just because I wanted to go to London instead and had disappointed my then best friend. I decided to play along. Time passed quickly and I also started to get excited and curious to be in an exotic country of what I had heard Brazil was. Honestly, I would have loved to travel around the Amazon and see the raw, historic Brazil instead of all the regular ‘tourist’ places or ‘must see’ cities. However, circumstances, budget and paid leaves for my husband constricted our travel only to the famous cities of Sao Paulo, Rio de Janeiro and Fortaleza. We had managed to buy tickets for one game that was Germany vs. Ghana since my husband had no experience of buying tickets for the matches. Well now he knows, so next time I am sure he will manage to get tickets to watch his favorite teams play. He is a huge fan of Messi and loves the team(Argentina) and also is fond of Van Persie(Holland) and he also plays for my husband’s most favorite team Manchester United (English professional football club).

I was researching about almost everything because it wasn’t just another city in the U.S, or just another state in India, it was a whole other country. We obviously wanted to know what the weather was like, what people wear, what is the local food, etc etc. The internet was full of beautiful pictures of the beaches, the attractions, esp. the Christ Redeemer statue and football was everywhere but then there were so many caution signs and warnings. Do not carry branded shoes, watches or jewelry, do not mention if you come from the U.S. Do not carry too much cash. Do not carry expensive cameras. Do not wear branded clothes, do not travel by local buses, you might be robbed, do not walk at nights alone. Crime rate is high in so and so parts. Oh gosh! We were excited and now we were also nervous.

We first landed in Sao Paulo, and we didn’t expect what was about to happen. As soon as we stepped out, no one absolutely no one spoke in English, not even the cops. They were trying to understand but oh how we struggled to explain where we want to go, what mode of transport we want to take, where we need to stop. Thank God I had downloaded an app just for basic question and answers in Portuguese. I did not have internet connection but I had an offline mode where I had saved some stuff. It helped. Something is definitely better than nothing. Everywhere we traveled we faced the language barrier. Even the hotel staff in Fortaleza could not speak English. Well, we managed somehow by enacting, by pointing, by gestures. It was hilarious. We experimented by ordering food and knew Frango was Chicken, Carne was meat, Peixe was fish, agua was water. The food was amazing. A must try is the Caipirinha cocktail and Mandioca frita(yucca fries). We were sorted!  During the entire journey we did not face any problems. Thankfully there was a lot of police patrolling.

Our host in Rio(BnB) luckily spoke English and was so kind and generous. I observed that people did not have a problem with other people. They just had a problem with their Government which each and every country does. We blended right in. Until we opened our mouths to speak but by then some or the other local was so kind to always help. We had the advantage, we were brown in Brazil.


The main attraction was definitely watching a World Cup match and I have always supported Germany through the years, how lucky was I to watch the players play right in front of my eyes….Klose, Götze, Schweinsteiger! Indeed a dream come true and the Christ Redeemer was magnificent. So were the beaches, I liked Ipanema more than the crowded Copacabana and I thoroughly enjoyed the Fan Fest, the Estadio Municipal Football museum(pic above) in Sao Paulo was filled with history and legends of football. I saw passionate fans from all over the world in such a short span of time, beautiful people everywhere. I would love to mention how we planned the trip and all its intricacies but then this will be one heck of a long post to read. I would call it one smooth vacation but there has to be a twist in the tale somewhere right. The only hiccup was the flight while coming back from Brazil in Belem, the flight goes over the Atlantic Ocean and during the 6 hour flight, we had almost 4 hours of turbulence. That was like the biggest adventurous ride in my life! I have never prayed so hard in my life! I will definitely count it as an experience, never over the ocean ever! Ha ha! Other than that they were beautiful and memorable 10 days we spent in Brazil.

My ubiquitous world – A poem

https://poohalicious.wordpress.comWhat the world thinks I am,
They might give it a thought
a bore, a pity, a snob, a coy, a dunce, a blob
none of these, I am not.
Of rainbows and fairies and candies,
of unicorns and glitter,
I love everything bright, happy, sunny, cute, mad and funny
doubt and anger give me a jitter.
I can be warmest to the coziest of heart
shrewdest to the cold,
I can be crazy, generous, kind, hyper, wild and sublime
will my adventures someday be told.
I can sit at a place for hours
not move a fly from my face
I can also pretend, play, fly, sing, dance and cry
random butterflies and skies to chase.
https://poohalicious.wordpress.comMy hands are full sometimes, sometimes barren
so much to do and so little time
Pray, think, receive, love, smile, believe
parallel to this earthly world is a separate, ubiquitous world of mine.

And He Learned

Had to share this

Rethink the Rant

When he noticed the naked little girl at the beach didn’t look quite like he did and asked why, they answered his questions in simple phrases painted in black and white, pink and blue, and tradition. And he learned that boys and girls were different.

When one of the neighbor kids painted his nails, they got angry. That wasn’t something boys did. And he learned that there were different rules for boys and girls, and that breaking those made people upset.

When he was handed down a pink bike from his cousin, they replaced it with a blue one, because they didn’t want him to be mocked for having a “girly” bike. And he learned that being girly was something to be mocked.

When he cried, they told him to be a man. And he learned that crying, and being not a man, was something less.

When he was being picked…

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