Where should I start…

Believe me, I am completely clueless as to why I cannot be consistent, be it writing, studying, or finding something I really love and honestly I love writing but since dad passed away I fall short of words. It is like learning to read and write again, life just seemed to stop even when it did not stop in reality. My imagination has been limited. Although my recent visit to India has put me back on track somehow, no wonder I am writing this now! Where should I start now? Have people in my life changed? Not really. Have times changed? Yes, drastically. In this world of technology, people care more on Whatsapp, Twitter and Facebook,than in reality. More of pings, pokes, emoticons, expressing in limited characters when life should be more of talking, seeing reactions with your own eyes, but somehow everyone is comfortable with what is going on…be it politics, religion, terrorism, violence, chores, jobs, everything is so peaceful in a disturbing way. Selfies are more common and selfishness is the need of the day!

I feel lost sometimes in all of this, feel that somehow I don’t belong to this age, that I should take birth again in the days where air was pollution free, vehicles were not so common, public transport was used more, mother nature was adored and glorified, religion was more bearable because not everyone objected, only a few were opinionated and we called them arrogant and ignored them. We were great kids to our parents, not demanding at all compared to the kids today. Our parents were also patient and not agitated and never handed over electronic devices for us to let them have their moment. They would include us in their moments. Cameras were only to capture special moments not daily life. Music and movies were only limited to entertain and not for skin show.We never regarded young girls as flesh, even when they were bare bodied as toddlers, it was like Adam and Eve until they ate the forbidden fruit, now everyone wants them to be covered up because they might fall prey to sinful organs. There were not as many chemicals, pesticides in the food that we ate, there was less of advertisement and more of trying stuff out. Makeup was only limited to celebrities now it hard to distinguish between an average person and a celebrity. Life was much simpler when people were harmoniously living with nature. To adjust to this demanding life, make sense and to find myself will take time, patience and consistency.

A new journey in 2017

IMG_20141216_114126I was going through my previous blog posts, it helps to see how the years went by, I was reminded of so many beautiful and some painful things that have happened in these past years that I have spent in the United States of America. There is so much more to write. My dad passed away in 2015 and it was a huge depressing period for me. Honestly until this year I was still in a state of shock and depression. Nothing seemed to help. But this year, it has all changed. Lot of things, positive people that I have met and I have changed, a lot. The world is so much better, to me. The Trump administration is a big wall but I have built holes in it to breathe. ‘Breathe’ is such an important word. Ayurveda suggests it and I have applied it and felt a difference. I would love to share my entire journey into positive frame of mind, yes it is all in the mind. Believe it or not, but I will slowly keep adding things to my blog. Honestly I am just sending this out into the universe, whosoever needs it will land upon my blog and may be it will help them but it will also be a gentle reminder for me when I read my previous blog posts in future that I have changed only for the better. Knowing what to let go and what to hold on to is very crucial. I look forward to sharing this wonderful journey that has changed my life. I feel so grateful for another day and another opportunity. To this word ‘another’ Cheers!

Confessions of a blood relative

81fee210775c49f4df12dd31648783fc
I
was going through old pics of cousins. I noticed how blood relations have changed over the years. I have always had a fondness and a special liking for those who gave me attention but I was careful not to grab too much of it.
I played roles I guess while growing up, sometimes I was the kinds of being surrounded by people and always being the glue to help them all stay together, sometimes I was the lone wolf who wanted to cry alone depressed over not getting enough love back as much as I poured out. If I was to be myself I was always a shy, quiet girl who liked a little bit of compliments, a little bit of fluttering of the eyelashes and the kind who wanted to  melt hearts with warmth by giving hugs or holding hands, pat on the back who liked being a secret-keeper, loyal and always gave a caring, elderly authoritative vibe.
To siblings I always wanted to be someone who they could look upto. I do have some of those behavioral attributes maintained. However, over time the elderly figure somehow was belittled to just another blood relative. I never wanted to be the one who was ‘that’ blood relative who didn’t care much, was formal most of the times and never ever bothered to share anything personal. But when I look back at all my blood relatives be it maternal or paternal, I feel disappointed. I wanted to be the one who made a difference, be the torchbearer. I wanted to be there in times of counsel(which I am the best at is what I think), in times of joy and sharing the wonders of everyday life. I hardly talk to any of them now, not because I don’t want to, just because of the distance, circumstances, egos between relatives, their disputes and children suffering from hereditary hate and many other contributing factors that somehow make me unsuccessful or still hesitant to point out the whys. I bet I am not the only one, it is a game of two, I do need a reaction to an action however, most of it I blame myself for being shut out.

Earlier, there were joint families which had its pros and cons. I used to think I love nuclear families, but as I have grown in maturity and understanding I know we can make it work if we try.
I loved the nuclear concept only because of convenience. The awkward laughs, the terrible moments of deafening silence, the embarrassing complaints of parents and the inevitable comparisons to other kids also often contributed to the growing distance. My life was a fairytale in dreams but in reality its like a daily soap, average and repetitive. I am sure there
are many others like me who have also found their tagline in ‘ignorance is bliss’ I still dream of a day when I will be able to set  things right and be called the ‘savior’ of relationships. Until then, keep existing.

 

A letter to remember

image

Dear Me in Future,

I write to you today considering what you have been going through lately. This is not a special day, I just chose it because I am in the moment, its now or never.
Honestly, there is much for you to learn in this world, but the thing you need the most right now is patience. Time may not heal all the wounds, but sure will hide them. All the times that you have been hurt will fade into memory and be assured better times lie ahead. Love has always been there, be it your dad, mom, sister and now spouse, it will continue to grow bigger and bigger and your insatiable thirst for love should too! The more you will ask the more you will receive. I see you settled well in life, who needs astrology when you have faith. Have faith in God and yourself. The sensitive soul that you are, you will not hurt anyone ever intentionally and unintentionally if you do make sure you ask for forgiveness, never let your ego console you that you did the better thing to ask for forgiveness because the greater thing is to forgive so be respectful of the outcomes. If you are not forgiven take it as as an experience and move on, don’t keep dwelling on the hows and whys. Let go of your inhibitions and fear when you meet new people. They will only help you if your hands are stretched to welcome them into your life. Also remember not everyone will always help or support you, some battles have to be fought alone. Be strong. Remember now, dad’s blessings are there to carry you through it all even if he is not there in person, he will always be there two steps behind! You have known his strength and a part of him is you so carry on that strength mentally, emotionally and physically. Never ask for pity, never look for it in someone’s eyes, and even if you get some that was unwanted, thank for it but don’t hold on to it, let it go immediately. Never offer it to anyone only offer support and only if you really mean it.
Build your own dreams, work towards them. Don’t doubt yourself. God is always watching, try and do good in this world, he will always reward you with beautiful surprises. Be grateful for your health. Try and eat healthy, squeeze in a little time for exercise. Stop being idle. Keep doing something, if you cannot find time to pursue anything, keep writing. Don’t give up like you did. If you don’t get a second chance, create one! Fall, get up, learn, that’s how you learned to ride a bicycle, remember, your knees were bruised and you are proud of the scars. Age is just a number, know that you will have scars, gray hair, wrinkles one day, experience is what you will gain. Do not preach when you cannot follow it yourself. I see your future is only amazing with wonderful travel adventures, glorious moments to revel in the success of your family members who will achieve great things in life, good camaraderie and long lasting friendships, beautiful kids and their promising lives ahead, a life spent with no regrets.

Lots of love and compassionate hugs,
From your present self.

Promises meant to be broken?

image

Often I look back on my relationships and keep realizing that most of the times I am at fault for ruining it all, not because I am a bad person but because I make a lot of assumptions.Honestly, in just one meeting,I feel I know you and I can trust you or will just ignore you, based on my assumptions! Now, that may not always be a wise thing, but then I may blame it on my instinct or your body language or just language. All this happens for a reason and the reason being expectations. I have learned this lesson so many times and yet I am not thorough with it! I struggle to keep up, I am slow to react, but I have noticed whenever my expectations are not met, I assume again that the person is not interested in me, my interests, so there goes a relationship. Thereby, either I end up breaking promises or the other person does it anyway. This other person is also me in some cases. I decide something and break my own promises, let alone others keeping them if I cannot keep them on my own! Fragile and unsustainable relationships because of my assumptions. It is a vicious cycle. I wish I do break it soon. Just thought of sharing one of my struggles in life.

My ubiquitous world – A poem

https://poohalicious.wordpress.comWhat the world thinks I am,
They might give it a thought
a bore, a pity, a snob, a coy, a dunce, a blob
none of these, I am not.
 
Of rainbows and fairies and candies,
of unicorns and glitter,
I love everything bright, happy, sunny, cute, mad and funny
doubt and anger give me a jitter.
 
I can be warmest to the coziest of hearthttps://poohalicious.wordpress.com
shrewdest to the cold,
I can be crazy, generous, kind, hyper, wild and sublime
will my adventures someday be told.
 
I can sit at a place for hours
not move a fly from my face
I can also pretend, play, fly, sing, dance and cry
random butterflies and skies to chase.
 
https://poohalicious.wordpress.comMy hands are full sometimes, sometimes barren
so much to do and so little time
Pray, think, receive, love, smile, believe
parallel to this earthly world is a separate, ubiquitous world of mine.
 
 
 
 

Battling with myself

There was an incident recently that made me doubt myself, to an extent that I cried and cried and got lost into a conversation that kept building up and there was no one around, the conversation was with myself! I have talked about loneliness and my positive side is to overcome it, but when loneliness makes you talk to yourself, you need to stop and wake yourself up. That is not right, its just not right. Letting people affect you, make you doubt yourself, letting them control your emotions is just not right. It is me who will decide if I did something wrong, if its not as bad as killing anyone, telling lies to hurt intentionally, stealing or cheating, it can be fixed. My bad habit is a small thing gets blown up in my mind, becomes a big issue and has its consequences. Do I stop living for that!? No, of course not, yes I cry, but I know that the pain can be healed, the hurt can be cured, there is always a second chance, if forgiving or forgetting is the greater thing to do, I need to do it. I am not perfect and I should not even aim to be, I will make mistakes. I need to learn to trust myself and not doubt, I need to be thankful for what I have, look forward to what I can do to make things better, to help and uplift others while I try to walk on the path of righteousness. Is there a judgement of right and wrong? No, not from my end, I am no one to judge others. I can judge myself because I know myself better than the ones who try to judge me. So I need to forgive myself if I think I did something wrong and move on. If I don’t treat myself as I want others to treat me, I am doing things wrong, I need to stop, take a step back and then move forward. https://poohalicious.wordpress.com/When I start treating myself right, I can treat others well, and expect them to treat me the same way. Unless they make peace with themselves, they won’t be able to release good into this world, does that mean, I have to stop doing good? No, all the major holy books will also say similar things. I just have to be patient and empathetic to myself and others. I need to learn to forgive myself and stop hating myself. I don’t have to try to be perfect, I just have to know and realize there are others just like me struggling and fighting their own battles.

Aside

Pray without ceasing!

ImageI don’t want to go in details about my struggle with finding the right God, knowing who is, what he does or what I give to him or get from him, but let me tell you there is one thing I will never struggle for, praying.
I am not going to give advice, sermon, preach about God here, but from my daily struggle, what helps me get through, what brings me closer to the day I wake up and the night I sleep in, its prayer. Just a little Thank you for the day and thank you for the night can go a long way. People would think I am crazy to talk alone, but what people don’t know is I might be praying. Just because it did look a little odd, I decided to talk in private. Prayer to me is talking to that someone who is listening intently even when you have the least hope that no one is listening. In general I don’t fail to say Thank you to someone who serves me at a restaurant, or never question authority. Then isn’t there someone so higher than me who thinks I am worthy enough to wake up for yet another morning on this earth who I should be thanking everyday? I remember I used to pray only when exams were close, or I’d have lost yet another key to the house and would be s**t scared of my father for an explanation or excuse, I would definitely pray then or at a magic show or circus where they are choosing volunteers that I should or shouldn’t be picked, or every other time I saw my crush and prayed he noticed me. So selfish of me! May be you don’t feel you have a purpose in life, but the higher power definitely has some job for you on this earth,otherwise why would you be here reading this, you’d probably be playing golf in the greenest of fields(heaven), or frying bacon in the air(hell,must be really hot down there). That power could be anything to you fairies, angels, Jesus, Mother Nature, Buddha, Allah, Krishna, to each his own. No wonder as kids, when we used to come home all dirty, my parents would ask me to wash my hands and feet and go stand before God and pray. That was just a habit they wanted us to develop but now I do realize how important prayer is. It gives me hope and strength to face this unpredictable world. Fighting the war for which God is the best could be right in your opinion, but isn’t thanking him/her more important at the moment you close or open your eyes when you don’t even know if they will open to see another day to fight over these issues? Whoa! Sorry for being so direct, but yeah a little practice will take me closer to my quest of knowing who is sitting high up there, watching, laughing with me when I embarrass myself and feel sad for me when my heart is broken. If while growing up I had fear and respect for my father, what excuse will I give to him who got me going on this earth for not praying!? Whoopsie daisies!

Ohana!

poohalicious.wordpress.com

Do you know the feeling, when suddenly you feel like you are at the brink of rebirth, that God’s amazing grace leads you to a breakthrough, when you are going to jump off the cliff and you actually begin to fly….this is one of those days when I was feeling all dejected and dismal when life threw a second chance at me to look back on a relationship long ignored when at a point I was crying out tears of rejection and feeling worthless in a different relationship and then there it was that feeling….like a fog lifting, clear skies and even a rainbow just to make me happy and I start dreaming of wonderful days ahead, scoring a big 100 on 100,  hitting the highest notes…all at one time…that feeling…of being usurped from deep down in the ocean where you are counting your last breath and you rise up and gasp and gulp down enough oxygen to fill your lungs with air and life in your heart… your chest if full of air, your mind is free and your heart is open…Ohana! Mending bonds with family members, what a relief and all you see is hope and all you have is faith. Just as the new year begins, I am reassured time and again that things will be fine if I just make that small effort. It is not going to hurt me, it is actually going to strengthen me. Baby step at a time, just like Will Smith said, a brick at a time! I will get there, whether it is a goal or some relationship or some wildly spun dream. Everytime I succeed I can’t wait to feel all of this all over again.

Final Goodbyes

I don’t know if condolences ever make up for the loss, but thoughts and prayers hopefully might be reaching out to the loved ones who are no longer a part of our regular lives. Suddenly something is missing like an arm is broken off and that feeling is equally draining even if it is a loss of a pet, family, relative or a friend.

https://poohalicious.wordpress.com/

I would not want to name these friends for personal reasons but they all hold a special place in my heart.

A friend who was like an elder brother. He was always protective and would always be there for me and my sister whenever we needed him or not. The biggest worry for him was not doing as well in academics for his first year in college. We always laughed it off. He was the one who stood up for my sister when she was attacked by a group of boys with hockey sticks and bats. Yes, believe it or not, my younger sister was attacked by a group of boys! How shameful is that..although they got what they deserved a nice beating from the police. Karma…

Our respect for him grew manifold. And then there was that day, when he committed suicide. We never knew why.

A friend who was more than a best friend to me and my sister. He was also a protector, a clown, a shadow that always followed us around, that friend who was just a call away be it day or night he would be there, he would make us laugh with his subtle comments, he would be ready to hurt the ones who would make us cry. He was the one problem solver and always comforted us and laughed with us and seemed to had all answers to our teenage problems!

It wasn’t meant to be I guess because out of the blue we lost our beloved friend in a road accident. For us he will never be gone, he is still here.

A friend who introduced me to the love of my life, the Backstreet Boys! He was the first Christian friend and he was the first one to invite us for Christmas to his house where we saw the biggest Christmas tree for the first time. He treated my sister like his younger sister too. He was a very very close friend. We lost touch for a few years when I started working full-time but I invited him to my wedding and he turned up with his girlfriend. I was so happy for him and promised to keep in touch.

Things looked pretty normal and hopeful, when I came to know about his demise through Facebook, people posted messages and I was left broken-hearted yet again not knowing the reason why.

A friend who encouraged me a lot during tough times at work to take up studies and break free from the workplace that was hampering my confidence.  We were on the same terms when it came to work, talking about childhood memories, how our families were similar yet different. We’d discuss how our choices in our life partners were similar and discussed sensitive issues like marriages outside our religions. We had such a similar start to our love life and we were destined to be friends forever when I was shocked with the news of him passing away suddenly with a massive heart attack….. early 30s, a new born son, and I am again disheartened.

The saddest thing about this is I never got to say a final goodbye…..but I am sure they are reborn as angels to protect someone else’s life.

Previous Older Entries

Follow Poohalicious on WordPress.com
%d bloggers like this: