Where should I start…

Believe me, I am completely clueless as to why I cannot be consistent, be it writing, studying, or finding something I really love and honestly I love writing but since dad passed away I fall short of words. It is like learning to read and write again, life just seemed to stop even when it did not stop in reality. My imagination has been limited. Although my recent visit to India has put me back on track somehow, no wonder I am writing this now! Where should I start now? Have people in my life changed? Not really. Have times changed? Yes, drastically. In this world of technology, people care more on Whatsapp, Twitter and Facebook,than in reality. More of pings, pokes, emoticons, expressing in limited characters when life should be more of talking, seeing reactions with your own eyes, but somehow everyone is comfortable with what is going on…be it politics, religion, terrorism, violence, chores, jobs, everything is so peaceful in a disturbing way. Selfies are more common and selfishness is the need of the day!

I feel lost sometimes in all of this, feel that somehow I don’t belong to this age, that I should take birth again in the days where air was pollution free, vehicles were not so common, public transport was used more, mother nature was adored and glorified, religion was more bearable because not everyone objected, only a few were opinionated and we called them arrogant and ignored them. We were great kids to our parents, not demanding at all compared to the kids today. Our parents were also patient and not agitated and never handed over electronic devices for us to let them have their moment. They would include us in their moments. Cameras were only to capture special moments not daily life. Music and movies were only limited to entertain and not for skin show.We never regarded young girls as flesh, even when they were bare bodied as toddlers, it was like Adam and Eve until they ate the forbidden fruit, now everyone wants them to be covered up because they might fall prey to sinful organs. There were not as many chemicals, pesticides in the food that we ate, there was less of advertisement and more of trying stuff out. Makeup was only limited to celebrities now it hard to distinguish between an average person and a celebrity. Life was much simpler when people were harmoniously living with nature. To adjust to this demanding life, make sense and to find myself will take time, patience and consistency.

A new journey in 2017

IMG_20141216_114126I was going through my previous blog posts, it helps to see how the years went by, I was reminded of so many beautiful and some painful things that have happened in these past years that I have spent in the United States of America. There is so much more to write. My dad passed away in 2015 and it was a huge depressing period for me. Honestly until this year I was still in a state of shock and depression. Nothing seemed to help. But this year, it has all changed. Lot of things, positive people that I have met and I have changed, a lot. The world is so much better, to me. The Trump administration is a big wall but I have built holes in it to breathe. ‘Breathe’ is such an important word. Ayurveda suggests it and I have applied it and felt a difference. I would love to share my entire journey into positive frame of mind, yes it is all in the mind. Believe it or not, but I will slowly keep adding things to my blog. Honestly I am just sending this out into the universe, whosoever needs it will land upon my blog and may be it will help them but it will also be a gentle reminder for me when I read my previous blog posts in future that I have changed only for the better. Knowing what to let go and what to hold on to is very crucial. I look forward to sharing this wonderful journey that has changed my life. I feel so grateful for another day and another opportunity. To this word ‘another’ Cheers!

Confessions of a blood relative

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was going through old pics of cousins. I noticed how blood relations have changed over the years. I have always had a fondness and a special liking for those who gave me attention but I was careful not to grab too much of it.
I played roles I guess while growing up, sometimes I was the kinds of being surrounded by people and always being the glue to help them all stay together, sometimes I was the lone wolf who wanted to cry alone depressed over not getting enough love back as much as I poured out. If I was to be myself I was always a shy, quiet girl who liked a little bit of compliments, a little bit of fluttering of the eyelashes and the kind who wanted to  melt hearts with warmth by giving hugs or holding hands, pat on the back who liked being a secret-keeper, loyal and always gave a caring, elderly authoritative vibe.
To siblings I always wanted to be someone who they could look upto. I do have some of those behavioral attributes maintained. However, over time the elderly figure somehow was belittled to just another blood relative. I never wanted to be the one who was ‘that’ blood relative who didn’t care much, was formal most of the times and never ever bothered to share anything personal. But when I look back at all my blood relatives be it maternal or paternal, I feel disappointed. I wanted to be the one who made a difference, be the torchbearer. I wanted to be there in times of counsel(which I am the best at is what I think), in times of joy and sharing the wonders of everyday life. I hardly talk to any of them now, not because I don’t want to, just because of the distance, circumstances, egos between relatives, their disputes and children suffering from hereditary hate and many other contributing factors that somehow make me unsuccessful or still hesitant to point out the whys. I bet I am not the only one, it is a game of two, I do need a reaction to an action however, most of it I blame myself for being shut out.

Earlier, there were joint families which had its pros and cons. I used to think I love nuclear families, but as I have grown in maturity and understanding I know we can make it work if we try.
I loved the nuclear concept only because of convenience. The awkward laughs, the terrible moments of deafening silence, the embarrassing complaints of parents and the inevitable comparisons to other kids also often contributed to the growing distance. My life was a fairytale in dreams but in reality its like a daily soap, average and repetitive. I am sure there
are many others like me who have also found their tagline in ‘ignorance is bliss’ I still dream of a day when I will be able to set  things right and be called the ‘savior’ of relationships. Until then, keep existing.

 

Promises meant to be broken?

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Often I look back on my relationships and keep realizing that most of the times I am at fault for ruining it all, not because I am a bad person but because I make a lot of assumptions.Honestly, in just one meeting,I feel I know you and I can trust you or will just ignore you, based on my assumptions! Now, that may not always be a wise thing, but then I may blame it on my instinct or your body language or just language. All this happens for a reason and the reason being expectations. I have learned this lesson so many times and yet I am not thorough with it! I struggle to keep up, I am slow to react, but I have noticed whenever my expectations are not met, I assume again that the person is not interested in me, my interests, so there goes a relationship. Thereby, either I end up breaking promises or the other person does it anyway. This other person is also me in some cases. I decide something and break my own promises, let alone others keeping them if I cannot keep them on my own! Fragile and unsustainable relationships because of my assumptions. It is a vicious cycle. I wish I do break it soon. Just thought of sharing one of my struggles in life.

Final Goodbyes

I don’t know if condolences ever make up for the loss, but thoughts and prayers hopefully might be reaching out to the loved ones who are no longer a part of our regular lives. Suddenly something is missing like an arm is broken off and that feeling is equally draining even if it is a loss of a pet, family, relative or a friend.

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I would not want to name these friends for personal reasons but they all hold a special place in my heart.

A friend who was like an elder brother. He was always protective and would always be there for me and my sister whenever we needed him or not. The biggest worry for him was not doing as well in academics for his first year in college. We always laughed it off. He was the one who stood up for my sister when she was attacked by a group of boys with hockey sticks and bats. Yes, believe it or not, my younger sister was attacked by a group of boys! How shameful is that..although they got what they deserved a nice beating from the police. Karma…

Our respect for him grew manifold. And then there was that day, when he committed suicide. We never knew why.

A friend who was more than a best friend to me and my sister. He was also a protector, a clown, a shadow that always followed us around, that friend who was just a call away be it day or night he would be there, he would make us laugh with his subtle comments, he would be ready to hurt the ones who would make us cry. He was the one problem solver and always comforted us and laughed with us and seemed to had all answers to our teenage problems!

It wasn’t meant to be I guess because out of the blue we lost our beloved friend in a road accident. For us he will never be gone, he is still here.

A friend who introduced me to the love of my life, the Backstreet Boys! He was the first Christian friend and he was the first one to invite us for Christmas to his house where we saw the biggest Christmas tree for the first time. He treated my sister like his younger sister too. He was a very very close friend. We lost touch for a few years when I started working full-time but I invited him to my wedding and he turned up with his girlfriend. I was so happy for him and promised to keep in touch.

Things looked pretty normal and hopeful, when I came to know about his demise through Facebook, people posted messages and I was left broken-hearted yet again not knowing the reason why.

A friend who encouraged me a lot during tough times at work to take up studies and break free from the workplace that was hampering my confidence.  We were on the same terms when it came to work, talking about childhood memories, how our families were similar yet different. We’d discuss how our choices in our life partners were similar and discussed sensitive issues like marriages outside our religions. We had such a similar start to our love life and we were destined to be friends forever when I was shocked with the news of him passing away suddenly with a massive heart attack….. early 30s, a new born son, and I am again disheartened.

The saddest thing about this is I never got to say a final goodbye…..but I am sure they are reborn as angels to protect someone else’s life.

I just can’t!

If you can, good for you, but I just can’t stand it!

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  • Poking, like the real physical poking, constant physical nudging, poking.I love the virtual ones, its ticklish.
  • Really long nails studded or with lots of glitter and bling, I just can’t understand, with those long nails how can you impress anyone? How can you do the basic things like brushing teeth or wiping stuff!? All you are going to do is scare and scratch someone or yourself, go buy a lion!poohalicious.wordpress.com
  • Constant updates on any social network websites. One or two posts are okay but constant shared pics, videos, tagging, pics, check ins, etc. Read what ‘Leisure’ is by Davies.
  • Boogers. If you want to watch me vomit, I will drink salt and water, but no boogers please! They are only funny on America’s Funniest Videos.
  • Someone else eating an ice-cream or doughnut and I get to watch! No wonder your stomach had cramps the next day, thanks for not sharing stranger!
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  • Someone picks up the last piece of my favorite food. All you had to do was ask, I would have split the last bit in two, sorry you had to go, you don’t belong in my future.
  • Constant bragging. Yes ‘Know it all’, you may be holding the titles to all the pageants, but all I hear is blah, blah blah!
  • Spitting, if it’s just a small gum or if its that mucus you have been playing with, I can see you roll your tongue even with your lips tightly closed. Yuck!
  • You defeat me in some word game or point out my grammatical mistakes(there is a time and place for that), let me win and I promise a long lasting friendship. Help me lose and you just lost me forever!
  • Most probably I will hang up the phone if I am told to hold for more than 10 minutes. 10 minutes is the end of my humanly patience.
  • The obsessions of the ‘Skinny world’. Be it clothes, mocktails,cocktails, salads, all the intricacies of how you maintain the Skinny part of your Skinny little bum and bones. You can maintain the skinny in the Sahara. Let people enjoy the abundance that God has given and may they share it.
  • Trying to fit yourself in 5 times smaller clothes. Again, there is abundance, fill yourself with abundance! Small is just going to limit your brains and not the body!
  • Those sweet, cute, calm videos when you know something is going to go horribly wrong, and it does when that scary woman pops out and you jump out of your skin in disbelief!
  • Comments that become war statements just because some idiot brought up his religion. Who asked you if your God is the greatest, to each his own! Respect that.
  • Photos in the loo,esp women clicking themselves in the place where you only go to get rid of something your body is rejecting unless the washroom is super luxurious and looks like a bedroom!
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  • Superstitious forward emails…Share or else….  F#@kdjsh#$*

Sister – Another name for Best Friend!


“Sticks and stones are hard on bones Aimed with angry art, Words can sting like anything But silence breaks the heart.”
This line just makes me nostalgic, you may not be able to connect the dots or you may not find a harmony between the title and the post but its just something that provoked me to write….as sisters we have been very close from the beginning….except for a few times, when competitiveness took over and we felt a little jealous of each other when only one of us got praised or got some extra attention.

I did act as the ‘Wise One” and stole the credit for cleaning, doing chores most of the times. Being the younger one, she would obey my rules and I loved bossing around! While growing up we have had our episodes of fighting physically, but as far as I remember, it never really ended in a WWE showdown! Our fighting was like a war of Silence….we did not talk to each other…and my sister will agree to this that both of us had humungous egos (we did not even know the meaning of ego then) but I conquered mine most of the times to show her the white flag! But that was all as children…when silence did not mean much, when cursing was only limited to the names of animals and when making up was one tight hug!

Well, things were so easy back then, we just looked at each other and we knew if something good or bad has happened,we didn’t have to utter the word,Sorry, it just stood there on the lips, and still we never felt uncomfortable of having or not having to say it. We did not need explanations, conscience always confessed. That one small chuckle told us the joke and we’d laugh out loud in our hearts. We have always been on the same team when we or our parents had different views about our future. We would be partners in crime when we would come up with some prank!

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As we grew up, we encountered a lot of emotions, other than the hint of jealousy, which we did not know existed in this world. A sacrificing, ambitious, generous, loving soul. I keep learning new things about the self made, independent woman that she is today! I have no regrets at all about the arguments that we may have had because they have only brought us closer! The cover ups for me when I’d sneak out on dates!!The consoling she would do when carefree me would just forget or lose the house keys innumerable times!! The tough little battler she was when she would smell a rat or hear rumours about me! Her joy has been my joy, my pain has been her pain.Things still are the same….even if distance separates us…I am still the fragile one inside-out and she is the strong believer, the protagonist, the fighter, the survivor! She is someone who can never run out of words when you need her the most. She is like the pillow to absorb all your tears and let you rest your head when there is a whirlwind of thoughts! The only hiccup in my life is I have never really said it too many times and may be I never will, but I love her and respect her even if she is a younger sister to me.
Moral of the story is, Go on, tell the person who matters to you, break the silence, tell them how life would suck without them, even if they are close or far, they deserve to know it! If you are away or estranged from a loved there is nothing stopping you except you!

P.S : This is a special post dedicated for my sister on her birthday!! Happy Birthday darling!! I love you!

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