Confessions of a blood relative

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I
was going through old pics of cousins. I noticed how blood relations have changed over the years. I have always had a fondness and a special liking for those who gave me attention but I was careful not to grab too much of it.
I played roles I guess while growing up, sometimes I was the kinds of being surrounded by people and always being the glue to help them all stay together, sometimes I was the lone wolf who wanted to cry alone depressed over not getting enough love back as much as I poured out. If I was to be myself I was always a shy, quiet girl who liked a little bit of compliments, a little bit of fluttering of the eyelashes and the kind who wanted to  melt hearts with warmth by giving hugs or holding hands, pat on the back who liked being a secret-keeper, loyal and always gave a caring, elderly authoritative vibe.
To siblings I always wanted to be someone who they could look upto. I do have some of those behavioral attributes maintained. However, over time the elderly figure somehow was belittled to just another blood relative. I never wanted to be the one who was ‘that’ blood relative who didn’t care much, was formal most of the times and never ever bothered to share anything personal. But when I look back at all my blood relatives be it maternal or paternal, I feel disappointed. I wanted to be the one who made a difference, be the torchbearer. I wanted to be there in times of counsel(which I am the best at is what I think), in times of joy and sharing the wonders of everyday life. I hardly talk to any of them now, not because I don’t want to, just because of the distance, circumstances, egos between relatives, their disputes and children suffering from hereditary hate and many other contributing factors that somehow make me unsuccessful or still hesitant to point out the whys. I bet I am not the only one, it is a game of two, I do need a reaction to an action however, most of it I blame myself for being shut out.

Earlier, there were joint families which had its pros and cons. I used to think I love nuclear families, but as I have grown in maturity and understanding I know we can make it work if we try.
I loved the nuclear concept only because of convenience. The awkward laughs, the terrible moments of deafening silence, the embarrassing complaints of parents and the inevitable comparisons to other kids also often contributed to the growing distance. My life was a fairytale in dreams but in reality its like a daily soap, average and repetitive. I am sure there
are many others like me who have also found their tagline in ‘ignorance is bliss’ I still dream of a day when I will be able to set  things right and be called the ‘savior’ of relationships. Until then, keep existing.

 

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Sister – Another name for Best Friend!


“Sticks and stones are hard on bones Aimed with angry art, Words can sting like anything But silence breaks the heart.”
This line just makes me nostalgic, you may not be able to connect the dots or you may not find a harmony between the title and the post but its just something that provoked me to write….as sisters we have been very close from the beginning….except for a few times, when competitiveness took over and we felt a little jealous of each other when only one of us got praised or got some extra attention.

I did act as the ‘Wise One” and stole the credit for cleaning, doing chores most of the times. Being the younger one, she would obey my rules and I loved bossing around! While growing up we have had our episodes of fighting physically, but as far as I remember, it never really ended in a WWE showdown! Our fighting was like a war of Silence….we did not talk to each other…and my sister will agree to this that both of us had humungous egos (we did not even know the meaning of ego then) but I conquered mine most of the times to show her the white flag! But that was all as children…when silence did not mean much, when cursing was only limited to the names of animals and when making up was one tight hug!

Well, things were so easy back then, we just looked at each other and we knew if something good or bad has happened,we didn’t have to utter the word,Sorry, it just stood there on the lips, and still we never felt uncomfortable of having or not having to say it. We did not need explanations, conscience always confessed. That one small chuckle told us the joke and we’d laugh out loud in our hearts. We have always been on the same team when we or our parents had different views about our future. We would be partners in crime when we would come up with some prank!

©dianeduda/dudadaze

As we grew up, we encountered a lot of emotions, other than the hint of jealousy, which we did not know existed in this world. A sacrificing, ambitious, generous, loving soul. I keep learning new things about the self made, independent woman that she is today! I have no regrets at all about the arguments that we may have had because they have only brought us closer! The cover ups for me when I’d sneak out on dates!!The consoling she would do when carefree me would just forget or lose the house keys innumerable times!! The tough little battler she was when she would smell a rat or hear rumours about me! Her joy has been my joy, my pain has been her pain.Things still are the same….even if distance separates us…I am still the fragile one inside-out and she is the strong believer, the protagonist, the fighter, the survivor! She is someone who can never run out of words when you need her the most. She is like the pillow to absorb all your tears and let you rest your head when there is a whirlwind of thoughts! The only hiccup in my life is I have never really said it too many times and may be I never will, but I love her and respect her even if she is a younger sister to me.
Moral of the story is, Go on, tell the person who matters to you, break the silence, tell them how life would suck without them, even if they are close or far, they deserve to know it! If you are away or estranged from a loved there is nothing stopping you except you!

P.S : This is a special post dedicated for my sister on her birthday!! Happy Birthday darling!! I love you!

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